1. Don’t ask for more.
This works for me every time. Amazing! When I don’t ask, I don’t get! Problem solved.
2. On the odd occasion when I fall off the wagon, and ask for more, I wait for an answer.
And I wait. And wait. And wait.
Waiting frequently causes the terrible insult that I’ve just delivered to be forgotten.
Eventually, I can go back to breathing easily, secure in the knowledge that nothing will change.
3. Let your employer know that you’re not looking around for other jobs, either inside or outside the company.
Combined with 1, this practically guarantees success. The same old amount gets deposited to my bank account every month.
If you’re freelancing, this has the added benefit that the client occasionally offers to pay you even less.
AWESOME. Even fewer nasty little bank notes finding their way to your bank account. I love it when this happens!
4. When the temptation gets overwhelming, I look for jobs in the online job boards, and I never actually apply.
Jobs almost never get filled via online job boards.
Recruiters post vacancies to job boards as a last resort, but they far, far prefer to hire people they already know, or have at least met in person, or have at least had a conversation with.
So having succumbed to temptation, just looking at job boards tilts the odds in my favour.
And by never actually applying, of course, I guarantee success. Whew, that was close.
5. I never pick up the phone, I never answer the phone, and I never talk to strangers, especially decision-makers.
You’ll have deduced this from 4, of course.
If those horrible nasty recruiters and decision-makers prefer to talk to people (I mean, what kind of life-form are they?), then I can ensure success by keeping to myself and never talking to anyone new.
Remember what you mom told you? Never talk to strangers. It’s even more true in professional life.
6. In book stores, I steer clear of any books on How to Sell, How to Market Yourself, How to Negotiate, and the like.
Terrible, awful, nasty books on non-engineering topics, written by nasty little hobbitses. How dare they?
They might contaminate the purity of my nice, safe, technical mindset! My preciousssssssss . . . .
7. I never come up with any new ideas, or at least, never admit it.
And on the odd occasion when a new idea does escape the safe confines of my brain, I do nothing with it.
And I pour scorn and discouragement on anyone else tries.
New ideas are poison, especially when acted on. They threaten to make me more self-confident, and increase my value to the world.
Muffled sounds of grunting, pushing, shoving, and a door being closed and locked.
8. I also never, ever read any books like 101 Ways to Use Sarcasm, or anything similar.